When plans change...I don't usually adjust on the fly really well. My sweet husband does. He has the approach that what is, just is, and let's move forward. I just have this OMG I can't believe it or accept it look on my face and my brain freezes up. Then I grieve. After the fact, I process and grieve some more! That's what we've been up to since May 19th.
On Mother's day I shared that we were pursuing a domestic adoption, but what I didn't say is that we had been matched with a birthmother and she was planning to have us adopt her son due on June 16th. He came early on May 17th, while I was celebrating the last day of school with my fellow teachers at lunch and they were throwing me a surprise baby shower. What I didn't know on that day was that our sweet birthmom was bringing her precious healthy baby boy into the world without me and she had changed her mind about adoption. What mother could blame her?!? Our social worker called me that May monday morning right after she found out about it and gave us the news. *insert shocked face and numb brain* Then we hung up and I called Michael with the news. *insert tears* We had lost our referral, and for awhile I had lost a lot of hope. We were at least mentally prepared for this possibility. It happens 50% of the time in domestic adoptions! that is very scary, but we are still called. Now I know, yet again, that we can do hard things! I haven't blogged about it until now because every time I tried it was just this huge thing I couldn't put into words...and I still can't, but I felt I should share an update for those of you who pray for our adoption and care about us.
My grief isn't done. I'm doing much better than I was at first though. My brain is processing again and my tears are less, but I'm emotionally drained....this adoption process is so tiring. Honestly, it's hard for me to take in other people's joys right now. It's not that I'm not happy for others, I am! I'm just under this fog of my own grief right now and it's having this lethargic effect on me. I guess you could add on that we've moved 3 times in the last 6 months and been busy with our church plant as other reasons why I'm worn out too! I'm learning from all of this though and it's making me more empathetic towards others and their losses. You can pray rest and encouragement for us, and be gracious with me if I don't want to talk about it, or if I can't stop talking about it :)
We are still pursuing an international adoption to Ethiopia (Marlee Joy!) and a domestic adoption, though we don't have time tables. We did some fundraising this summer as well as moved into our new house. Hopefully this is where we will stay for a good long time and, Lord-willing, bring some babies home to! We wrestle some days with this, but are trusting God will guide us. His ways are higher than our ways.