Counting the Cost

This post has been ruminating in me for a few weeks, so here goes my feeble attempt at communicating it!  The events that led me to count the cost were pretty messy.  My own meltdown one monday morning, my anxiety/depression, my perpetual state of waiting purgatory,  my 'changes' involved in planting a church, all combined to make the perfect storm in my soul.  I let it rage. 

It was ugly.

But something so unexpected happened...

love.
grace.
support.

God showered it on me (and He used my amazing husband to do a lot of the work!  Michael is so often a faithful and true representation of Christ to me).  I've been working hard at uncovering lies, clinging to truth, wrestling with doubt, and practicing gratitude.  It's been a sweet time of growth through some storms.  Then last week I was finishing up the month long prayer I had been praying on behalf of a friend's adoption.  We were asking big things and God decided in His perfect sovereignty to answer in a different way.  rough. tough. but ultimately we know God is always good and His ways are better...higher.  I thought of my own circumstances, and realized that I needed a kick in the proverbial pants, or possibly even a real one!  It's time for me to count the cost of really following Christ.  It's promised in scripture that we will suffer.  I've been lulled in my life into comfort, ease, and distraction at times from my mission to bring God's kingdom.  I was reading in a devotional a week or so ago and a thought has been stuck in my mind....there's so much to pray for!  There's a lot at stake here.  It matters how I think and live.  I need to do it all for God's glory.

Rich Stearns is retiring from serving as the director of World Vision this year, and he writes in his new book, "Unfinished", "[Jesus' call] was not a call to give up on the world, holding our 'tickets to heaven' firmly in our hands and retreating into our churches.  It was a call to go INTO the world to reclaim, reform, and restore it for Christ."

Church Planter's Wife

I've been hesitant to blog this year, because I honestly don't know where to start.  And I'm a perfectionist so I want it all categorized and themed nicely.  AND I'm dreadfully fearful of people having negative views of me, and if they see I'm not in control (which none of us really ever are) then...what I'm not really sure, but I always imagine it would be real bad!  But then my friend started a blog and I remembered why I started doing this in the first place.  It's my attempt to put myself out there despite my fears.  To let people know my struggles in hopes that it would encourage them in theirs.  To be vulnerable.  To tell of God's goodness and faithfulness in my life.  I must declare that at least!

So this year I have a new title I guess.  I don't label myself to box me in, but it sometimes helps me to identify something and then dive in to what it means and what it doesn't.  You probably have heard, I'm a 'church-planter's wife".  (As if plain ole 'pastor's wife' wasn't bad enough :)  I'm still trying to get my head around what this means and what it doesn't.  here's some of my thoughts: I AM God's loved daughter ALWAYS! I AM a wife and mother before any other ministry.  I AM a minister of the Gospel (good news) of Jesus.  I AM a hostess, but I AM not a doormat with no time for recharging myself (an introvert) or protecting my family time.  I AM not unapproachable, super sized holy roller, or a know it all.  As a matter of fact, all I know is enough to know I don't know very much :) I AM a person in need of community-friends!  I don't know why it's hard to be a pastor's wife's friend, but it seems to be intimidating or something...wanna hang out?!  I had a sweet 'church planter's wife' (friend) who is a step ahead of me really encourage me this week with this...she said God will provide all you need and it'll be fun to see how.  Ahhh...love my daddy's faithfulness!